I love my endometriosis specialist here in Dallas, but I wanted to find a new general Obgyn for things and saw one for a pelvic pain consult today. I suppose I’d say it went OK, I was excited after the first visit meeting her last week because she seemed good. No babies in her exam room, nothing too difficult about being there.

But, I cried.

All the medical trauma, gaslighting, etc. of my teens and 20s. All the infertility talk. All the points in our conversation about my history and what I could have or should have done.

I don’t think it was meant in a shaming tone, more in a genuine curiosity of why I prolonged my suffering maybe? But crappy doctors, worse insurance, lack of support systems, a big desire to have a family, all played a part.

It wasn’t me blindly believing I’d conceive, or ignoring medical advice. It was a lot of trying to avoid side effects, and being told to lose weight before consulting a endo specialist, and moving and needing a whole new set of doctors (x5). And that doesn’t count the non-medical life things that get in the way.

I’m tired. I have to go back to the specialist but haven’t made that appointment yet. (My most recent excision was in September). I’m in pain, but I think some of its bladder related and I’m finally trying pelvic floor PT.

I just don’t like feeling like I chose poorly or didn’t do enough. As she asked about hysterectomy and I tried to explain I didn’t think it would solve all my problems and that I was still debating, based on some differing surgeon opinions, I started to cry.

Hot tears of shame and grief and embarrassment. Had I suffered the last dozen years needlessly? Had I chosen not to do anything after excision out of the tiniest chance at a pregnancy even after treatments failed?

I couldn’t talk because every word became a tear and then she pointed out that maybe I wasn’t ready for more permanent options and that I needed to try to emotionally prepare, as if I haven’t had therapy and years to do exactly that.

I’ve spoken about my infertility and endometriosis at length in public before but today, it just seemed like too much. Too much hurt, too much sadness, too much pain.