I find myself overwhelmed at times. I both love and hate to grocery shop. I prowl as I shop, evaluating. I find myself unable to use an attractive cashier because of the desire to say something vulgar and inappropriate.

I have thought about adultery, but have yet to step over the line. One man professed his love for me, causing everything to become awkward. It took away from what I wanted.

I don’t know if I could unless I were to find some “perfect” match. Someone who is in tune with what I want, my desires, my fantasies.

Do I take this as a sign and try to be a perfect, faithful, dutiful wife? Can I continue to deny myself and not make things more miserable? I do want to be good. I don’t want to cheat on my husband. The dichotomy and irony of the situation is not lost on me. I both want and need to do both – behave and stray.