My schedule the past few weeks has been crazy. So many appointments. Add in the dress fittings, making the programs, wedding activities, etc.

I think the wedding threw me over the edge. Husband and I didn’t talk much at all that day. I left before he woke up; With sitting at the head table, I didn’t have to keep him company. I think we had one dance, the rest of the time, he drank with my brother’s single friends. He danced with all the appropriate slow dances with my aunts and mothers. Suck up. We didn’t even talk on the way home. Correction: I talked, he slept.

I had to drive to the third opinion doc in Rochester. I had nothing better to do, husband was in Rhode Island on an interview, and I was just driving and relaxing.

Having arrived too early, I watched a man and his wife walk in. He opened her door. I don’t know why, but it struck me. Maybe because I thought he wasn’t just doing it to be nice. Some men are used to opening doors. I forget, being married to a man forced to walk behind me. But, I’m assuming here that men don’t go out of their way and open a car door unless they want to.

I wondered about my husband, and the choices I’ve made being married to him. How different my life would have been with another man. Seeing my sister get married, seeing the happiness of two newly married people, I couldn’t help but wonder about my own life.

I should feel guilty for that, and yet, I don’t.