four in the morning

It’s a weird time to be awake. Whenever I don’t sleep, I find myself thinking too much. Shocking, I know.

It’s hard to be married and lonely, but it’s common. Perhaps we have all these unrealistic expectations when we get married. I tried not to have them, I honestly didn’t think he’d be “the be all and end all”. I knew that happily ever after is a nice idea, but that most people aren’t able to have that. I recognized that it was unhealthy to expect this other person to be completely responsible for our happiness. It’s unreasonable to think that because we love this person and choose to spend our life with them that we will never be lonely again. That we will always feel loved, safe and satisfied.

Side note: there are people who are married and lonely for much better reasons. Perhaps they never get the chance to spend time with their spouse because of work obligations, military duty, or something else along those lines. I feel for them.

My husband thinks we wouldn’t be at the crossroad we’re at if we hadn’t moved here. I know we’re both lonelier here, more isolated from the support system we grew to rely on. I also know this was inevitable, and think the difference is only in how it would play out.

I know he must be lonely. He won’t talk to me. He prefers his privacy so much that it’s hard for him to turn to his friends. He’s had some for 20, even thirty years, but cannot fathom talking about his marriage with them. He tried to talk to one and it caused the fiasco last week. I can imagine this has only perpetuated the idea that he should keep things to himself. He doesn’t talk to his family either, because they were raised to keep it all in. My running joke was that they sweep it all under the rug until you fucking trip over the bump it causes.

I see how he withdraws, pulls into his shell. How he shuts down, but I can’t save him from himself. I try to get him to work with me. To either make this work or end it gracefully. Depending on my mood and his response, my preference for one of the other changes.

I am not looking forward to this weekend. More time alone together cannot be a good thing, we still both seem so raw, so hurt.

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