men are like ovens (where else can you get such a metaphor?)

We are all so conditioned to believe that no one wants to be alone.  That ending up alone is the most terrible fate to await a person.  This may very well be true.  I can’t know for sure, because the extent of the time I have spent alone is next to nil.

I know how terrifying it is to be alone after a rape.  I know how alone I felt when I was sick and my friends didn’t call anymore.  I know when you’re holding someone’s hand, and they pass away, even when your parents are in the room, you feel utterly alone.  I know those kinds of alone.  I do not know what it would be like to spend the rest of my adult life alone, or lonely for that matter.  However, I am cognizant of the fact that lonely and alone are two very different animals.

I know some people can’t be alone.  I think we all know people who have one relationship after another, or people that choose someone anyone because it’s better than no one.  I have never considered myself one of them.

I realize that by leaving my husband, I may be choosing to be alone forever.  I don’t know what lies ahead of me.  I would love to tell you that I had faith, or hope, that everything will somehow work out for the best, but I can’t do that right now.

I love that I have a wealth of opinions thanks to my inability to censor myself.  A good number of people have shared the idea that “something is better than nothing” when it comes to my husband.   That at least I have a husband.  At least.  Yes, I have a good man who shares his life with me.  On the surface, I see where that looks appealing.

Please keep in mind, that he picks and chooses which parts of his life to share with me.   We share finances, a place to live, things.

He doesn’t share with me his feelings, his affection, his thoughts.  There’s no shared intimacy, passion or closeness.

The thought of  “at least you aren’t alone” is no comfort when I crawl into bed and he moves so close to the edge he might fall.  (Although, sleeping alone night after night would bother me.  Once you are accustomed to another warm body, sleeping alone would probably take some getting used to)

“You have someone” doesn’t make me feel better when I’m crying with no one to comfort me, or frustrated with no one to encourage me,  or aroused with no one to satiate me.

I know there are a lot of jerks and assholes out there.  I know women who are married to worse men.  I know divorcing means I may end up in a situation with one of those men.  Should I stay with my husband because if I divorce I may find an unsuitable suitor?  I may never find anyone better.  Perhaps better isn’t exactly what I would look for.  Do I stay because there isn’t anything else available?

If I had an oven that didn’t heat up, would you tell me to keep it?  Because who knows when I could afford one.  Because, even if it can’t be fixed, I did purchase the warranty.  Because I might never find an oven that got hot enough for my taste.  Because the restaurant version is out of my league anyway.

Yeah, comparing men to ovens is terrible, so forgive me; but you get the general idea.

Is a marriage, even an unfulfilling marriage, better than being alone?  That’s a question, the question, I have been asking myself for months.  Apparently, I’m not the only one pondering it.  Hours browsing books on marriage have shown me that (excuse the snicker) I’m not alone.   But those books can’t answer that for me.  Thousands of dollars to therapists and thousands of words here can’t tell me either.

Is the idea of being alone so frightening that people stay for that reason?  If so, I can’t fault them.  I just don’t think I can join them.

10 thoughts on “men are like ovens (where else can you get such a metaphor?)

  1. Amen sister. I would add that having an oven that works inconsistently and who has cooked many a delicious meal in the past can be a hard one too. You have the good memories of when it worked–and the teasing times when it decides to work on occasion–so it’s hard to put it on the curb…

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  2. Men as domestic appliances?
    If you know how it feels to be alone in all those circumstances, consider how alone your husband will feel when you leave him.
    What happened to “till death do us part?” Has he abused you or cheated on you with other women?
    Maybe your metaphor should be that he’s not “this season’s handbag”?
    Just a perspective to consider!
    Regards,
    Colin

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  3. This decision is wholly and personally yours. As for me, I have been in both happy and miserable relationships, and I have also been alone.
    I would rather be alone and happy than to be with somebody and in a constant state of misery.
    If you see no repair for this situation, life is too short to live in misery.
    You are strong and you will get through this.

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  4. After having been alone and lonely for around 4 years, I took the first opportunity that presented itself. Wow was that a mistake. I would rather be lonely than miserable any day!

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  5. Great post chica!
    Colin: Seriously?
    You know my opinion on this one… But I had to make peace knowing that my future may mean that I never find Mr. Right.
    Here’s a different perspective… Instead of calling it alone, call it single or sans relationship. Alone has such a negative spin. Being single doesn’t make someone alone. You have a knack for creating community around you! You’re contagious. You’re theatrically predisposed. You will have friends and close ones if you seek that path. You wont be alone.
    PS I’ve tagged you at my blog. Go check it out!

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  6. Ah yes, this is the question isn’t it.
    1. Stay for fear that things might be worse than they currently are.
    2. Leave with hope for happier times with real companion(s).
    3. Stay out of a sense of obligation and maybe just maybe things could get better.
    4. Leave because you know things won’t get better.
    5. Stay and keep the safety but leave for dalliances that will never develop past one night stands.
    6. Stay until the bitter end and wind up bitter for the wasted youth.
    7. Leave and find that being alone together was better than being alone alone.
    The possibilities are endless. Ultimately, you have to do what is right for you. You have to decide on a course of action that is best for you. I know it sounds selfish, but it seems he has proven he can not give you what you crave. Nah, what you must have to be whole.
    ‘Tis a murky way ahead kate. Your friends will be there to help you down the path you choose. But we can not chose the path for you. That you must do on your own.
    TAG

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  7. There are worse things than being alone. There’s a lot of truth in that statement. Abandonment is another good reason for divorce; and though I’ve not read other posts in this blog (yet) it certainly seems as though Kate feels abandoned.
    After leaving my first husband who abused me, ridiculed me, abandoned me emotionally, and still expected me to have sex with him (ick) I intentionally remained single for 2 years. I wanted nothing to do with men. Kitchen closed! But then I did begin to desire some companionship and I met Jamie. To say he’s better than my first husband is really to insult Jamie. There’s simply no comparison. Life is good.
    People deserve happiness. Everyone. I can’t see how your hubby could possibly be happy either with you feeling so much discontentment. It’s a huge leap to leave another. Starting over can be scary but just think of the possibilities. I think being alone with myself is better than being trapped in an unhappy existence.
    A last thought though. I would always recommend seeing a marriage and family therapist first. Presumably you had something at one time. If things haven’t gone too far you could actually recover the love you once shared. It’s possible. If, however, he’s unwilling then he has definitely abandoned you and I wouldn’t feel an ounce of guilt about leaving him.
    Best wishes!

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  8. Hi Kate,
    I’ve read several of your posts. I’ve never been married (came close, 2 1/2 years relationship, engaged/living together almost the whole time) but I definitely know the feeling of “Should I stay or should I go?”
    I’m not going to give you advice or tell you it’s ’till death do you part. Just do what you feel in your heart. It may take a while but you will know one day. I send my hugs to you; just know, I’ve been there and you have another friend to count on. *Hugs*
    Have a good night–kristent

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