eating cake

I read. I ask.  I think to this nerd at heart, it makes me feel better informed.  When I went through all the infertility nonsense, I think I read any book I could find on the topic.  I amassed a collection and read whatever applied to my set of circumstances.  I joined support groups and advocated, eventually becoming so passionate about the subject that it took my ass to congress. I was grateful to have had access to medical journals.  I probed every connection I had to find new oncologists, better treatment.  I’ve done this with any big thing I had to conquer, with any fascination I’ve had.

Makes perfect sense that my marriage would be no different.  I’ve devoured books on the subject.  Originally perusing through how to improve and working my way into the books meant to help you decide if divorce is the better option. But, it dawns on me, that not many marriages are like mine.  Not that I’m special, but often the case studies just don’t reflect enough of my situation and I become frustrated.

I’ve been told by more than one helpful reader lately that I’m seeking permission to go.  I think that’s very accurate.  I listen to my instincts, but they seem clouded, so I read.  Expecting to find the answer there that I’m not getting from my husband, I keep waiting.  But after searching, I discover something.  When I think about what I really want – I want to have my cake and eat it too.  One of the more annoying cliches – here it fits.

(Ducking from whatever might be thrown my way)

If having an affair can make someone happier at home, should they do it?  Probably not.  They should of course explore options, etc.  I know I’m not trapped by anything but my own volition, but I feel sometimes as if I must stay.

Just think though, that through all carefulness, you can fly below the radar.  You can avoid emotional entanglements.  My husband is not the type to grant me an open marriage.  In the conversations we’ve had, I’m told that if sex is that important to me, I should leave, since I won’t get it here.  Essentially, in saying “sex or me” he’s made the ultimate ultimatum.  But could we manage a don’t ask, don’t tell existence?

Until we moved here, he never asked me where I was.  Never felt the need to question who I was with or what I was doing.  I wonder if we could get there again. Could the pleasure and the knowledge of having sex accessible make this marriage good enough for now?

Could sneaking out for cake sustain me?

2 thoughts on “eating cake

  1. You know, that’s an entirely valid point you raise. If it’s just the sexuality that’s missing is it really the end of the world if you “have cake”? Your husband seems content to never have sex – and you have a desire for it. So, clearly something will need to be done. But if it’s better for you for it to be like this, and better for him – then maybe it is the best.
    The problem will be with the emotional attachment. You claim that it can be avoided – and by and large it probably can. But, it’s a chance you take when you open yourself up to the sexuality and the touch of another. It’ll be difficult to be sure that the only reason they are there is for the sex, and that they don’t want something more. Or that after enough times of seeing them – you might be the one wanting more.
    However, I think I’ve seen your point and that it doesn’t necessarily have to be a bad thing. A taste of normalcy can be refreshing, but it also has the chance to be frustrating.
    I think I’ve responded a little too quickly as I’m having trouble putting into words the other thoughts rattling around in my head. I’m trying to verbalize (in text form, mind you) how all this could just be delaying the inevitable. But maybe… maybe that’s what this is ultimately leading to as well. Another attraction might be the trigger to convince you that what you have now isn’t enough.


  2. Kate,
    First, thank you for commenting on my blog. I would not have found your blog had you not commented.
    Second, I have been in your shoes.
    I’ve just read the first ‘page’ of your blog, only going back to late August and in your voice I hear my own.
    I had my own cake after a number of years of unfullfilling marriage. The cake was not what blew my marriage apart, as it had been on the outs for years at that point, but it did highlight to me what I had been missing/putting aside: my sexual being.
    And I missed her.
    Shortly after discovering that not everyone had a sexless, nearly touchless marriage, I found the courage to seek out that part of myself again. I ended the marriage and began the journey you now read about … the adventures of Scorpio.
    There are times I wonder if I’m making up for those lost years and other times I know that pleasure was denied for so long that I crave it, much like cake!
    I cannot offer you any words of advice, as each person chooses her life, but please pay attention to that part of you that wants ‘more.’ That’s not selfish, as by denying yourself the ‘more’ you only grow more resentful with each passing day. And no partner, no matter how poor, deserves resentment served daily.
    Find your happiness. I’ll look forward to reading of your journey.


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