impulses

Lately, I’m worried about a lot of things. Anxiety and worry and stress compound to the point where I have less impulse control. I recognize it, but it is still a challenge to do anything about it. I’ve been very frugal the last few months – saving for an airline ticket home. But just like a diet, deprivation makes me cranky.

I caved and decided to make Christmas cards. It may sound silly, but working on a project like that makes the holidays for me and I don’t want to miss out on all the traditions I’ve loved. But then, instead of the most basic thing, I decide to but some things to make them prettier. Sure, I didn’t go overboard, and these things don’t cost much, but it isn’t a need.

I need things. Because my clothes are still in storage, I probably have less than a week’s worth of winter clothes. While I’m not forced to run around in shorts or less in freezing weather, I get really tired of the same three sweaters, nevermind the fact that they start to look very worn very quickly. OK, this is not a need – but it feels like one.

I want to take advantage of the sales, to buy a modest amount of new things. I can’t – but the impulse too is hard. I spent a gift card this morning on a dress – when I should have bought the basics like tees, sweaters and pants. But being that I’m buying online and I can’t try things on, I didn’t want to have to make a huge return, and I know how their dresses fit.

I want to buy decorations, and a tree and all the things I don’t have this year for Christmas.

I find myself holding back, I have to reign it in sometimes. I wish I had more discipline, I wish I was better at all of this.

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