stream of consciousness

I read my words, and they’re all the same words; weeks of the same words. I pace and retread over the same steps as I try to figure out my plan. The percentages vary, for most days, I want to leave, while there’s a portion of me that thinks I should. My indecisiveness at an all time high – both leaving and staying present issues. Sharing snippets with acquaintances, trying to gather together my own thoughts. Talking to my brother about some of it, trying to not be so isolated, but feeling that way anyhow.

If I stay, what if nothing changes, and this round and round continues? Is there any potential for long-term contentment? More happiness? Does stasis present its own form of happiness when change is difficult? Can moments of shared history be enough? Maybe I’m not capable of more.

If I leave? I’ve put myself in a position where leaving is more frightening than usual because of finances and jobs and location. Still, it’s the only way to know if I have potential for more, better, different.

I’ve been asked several times why I’m staying, and none of my answers sound good enough. But, they’re practical and logistical. I can’t leave without some planning.  I don’t have faith. I’m not sure I believe there’s something I can do, or say, or continue to do to make things better.

I am just learning that our life together isn’t what I thought it was. So, I wonder if I stayed because working it out means I didn’t just waste the last several years with someone who resented me as much as he loved me. I can’t mend all that damage. We’ve both changed so much since the beginning.

Is it ever equal and fair? Life isn’t. People sometimes take their partner for granted. We both did it.

I feel like I still need to sort through so many things in my head. Going home seems a scary endeavor, as jobs there are harder to come by and I worry that I’ll just end up with my parents too dependent on me, having me there as a solo single person. My brother has offered for me to stay with him for a little while, but I don’t know if I want that either. Do I go elsewhere and start over like I did before?

Deciding what I want to do, where I want to go and what I really want out of life and relationships, that is the hardest part of all of this.

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