My time in NY has given me a lot of time to think. I got the chance to run things by some friends. The one couple who even has an inkling of our marriage troubles. When I have broached the topic with those who know us, I often spend too much time defending my husband. That bothers me. I have come to the realization that I will be seen as wrong, as the bad guy. But, those people don’t live my life, and I can’t care about what people think.
It’s different to be plotting and planning. I know I will break his heart, but if I don’t leave my husband, I feel I may disappear completely. My heart and my self-respect are at stake if I continue on the road we’re on.
I’ll confess…I’m flawed. I’ve lied. I’ve tried to deal with an increasingly affection-less and sexless marriage and I didn’t deal with it well, obviously. I’ve made poor decisions out of guilt, obligation, and sympathy. I’ve let the fact that I don’t like to rock the boat dictate what I do, ignoring my gut, my heart, my head.
I’m unsure and unsteady. No one close to me has gone through a divorce. I wonder if everyone worries the things I do. Will anyone ever love me again? Will I spend the rest of my life alone? Can I be single again?
When so many are out there, alone and lonely, wishing for a man who would love them, I feel selfish. He’s a good guy. Loyal, kind, hardworking. He would spend forever by my side if I let him. He’s not perfect, but who is? Even still, he says he loves me, unconditionally. It’s strange to know I am giving that up and may never find it again.