I’m sitting in the window here at the Grand Hyatt, watching the intersection; watching it rain. Rain leaves me pensive. I feel like brooding a bit.
I’m supposed to be heading to lunch. I’m debating blowing it off. To be honest, the last thing I feel like is telling a stranger all about me, and having them ask questions I don’t feel like answering. Now, if I could get them to spill tabloid worthy details about their boss’ recent scandal – perhaps it could be interesting.
I talked to that guy last week. I’d been distancing myself from him, but it’s not fair for me to stop answering the phone without some explanation. So, I opened the phone and took a deep breath. Before, I thought if I could find a way to have him not affect me, I would jump on it. I thought I could avoid him, and have him leave my periphery. I can’t and don’t want to. I recognize the danger he holds, and I am aware of the damage he can cause. Isn’t acknowledging that something? However, I don’t think I should have to completely shut him out because of the temptation.
Maybe I’m foolish. Maybe.
Before, I ran. I had a friendship with a man, and it was becoming dangerous. We got along fantastically and thoroughly understood one another. We were able to support each other through some truly terrible things. But, I sensed the change when it happened, and I didn’t want it to destroy our relationship, or our relationships with other people. I could have let things run their course, but I knew there was too much at stake. So I left. We went from daily contact to nothing. I knew he was suffering, I heard it in his voice when he’d call and leave a voicemail, begging to see me or talk to me. He tried to track me down. But I made my point clear. I didn’t think it was fair to stay in contact the way we were. I knew we would have ended up in some messy situation, jeopardizing the important things in our respective lives.
It may sound stupid, but I think it was one of the smartest and bravest things I’ve done.
I don’t feel this is the case here.
Maybe I’m broken. I know there’s something there I’ve never found before. I know he has a lot of the qualities I admire in a person. A lot of the qualities I’ve only found once before. He’s given me strength at a time I felt drained by most everyone else.
I try to distract myself, thinking about other things. Remembering that he’s not the “be all and end all”
I remind myself of my obligations.
I talked to a new Nashville friend last week, that I know only a bit. We were discussing separation and marriage counseling / therapy. I was asked if I can remember good times. If the person I married is still the person I want to be with. If I met my husband now, would I fall in love and want to be with him. If I believed we could make our way through this and be stronger.
I was asked if I knew what I wanted. I’m beginning to know, I just have a hard time vocalizing it, especially to my husband.