I have my moments. The period of time from National Infertility Awareness week through Mother’s day was tough. I rebounded a bit, and didn’t cry again until I realized that I missed a “once was” due date. A day later, it dawned on me, and I didn’t know if I was upset due to grief or guilt.
Today, my sister sent a text to alert me to a family pregnancy announcement. I tried to respond in a positive manner. I saw the post this evening on Facebook, but I haven’t replied. I still don’t know how to handle these things.
I’m getting better. I hosted a baby shower last year for a girl at work. I visited with her and her baby. In total, 5 girls I worked with had babies last year, and I handled the pregnancies, showers, baby visits, etc. pretty well. I am planning on making dinner for a woman I know who had a baby last week.
I no longer need to protect and insulate myself from this, but I still find myself floundering at times. I feel like any positive reaction seems artificial if they know my background. I worry that my silence conveys more negativity than I wish to put out there. I hope that they’re too busy planning, expecting, and adjusting to miss me. I ache to celebrate for them, to hold that baby, to buy and send that gift, but at the same time, I ache because of it.
So the pain escapes a bit, but I plug the leaks for now, and keep plugging away.
One thought on “plugging the leaks”
This was a deeply moving post — thank you for sharing it with your readers (and me). Although I have never had kids, there is something about mother’s day that reawakens a longing in me that I can’t describe.