knots

Tomorrow, I may or may not face fears. Right now, my stomach is in knots.

I think I’ve mentioned my fear of rollercoasters before.  It’s bad.

I was afraid as a kid, and as a teen while my friends screamed on rides, I held their bags. I hadn’t been to an amusement park in years before I came here. D’s work throws a party at this place once a year. The past two Octobers I’ve gone to the park with him, trying to enjoy the mandatory fun day.

The first year, I thought I’d be fine. I thought perhaps I had outgrown the fear. I decided when we got to the park, I would ride the worst ride first, to get it over with. Once I endured that, I thought I’d be fine.

insert insane giggle here

I was not fine. I waited in line, but when it was my turn to board, I froze and freaked the fuck out. I did end up riding a couple of rides that day, though they all ended in tears, and the excited utterance “I hate you!”.  I even went through the haunted house thingy since the park was decked out for Halloween. Last year, I chickened out and didn’t do any of that. I was no fun and felt bad that I was disappointing him.

I make no promises for this year. This time we’re attending in the summer, so the water park is open. You know, so I can combine my fear of death by rides with my terror in water! Oh, and don’t forget that it’s going to be sunny and ninety something and I’m paler than a vampire.  Good times for everyone!

I was debating booze or sedatives in reality. Just to take the edge off, so that maybe I could try to pull a few rides off without a full-blown anxiety attack. I know he won’t expect me to get on the rides, and he would never ask me to do anything I didn’t want to do. Still, I feel bad because I want him to have fun, and I know he’d like to ride all sorts of things.

How I wish my sense of fearlessness and adventure for certain things could work in this situation.

2 thoughts on “knots

  1. Sounds like you have a real phobia and that might need more serious intervention, but until then, maybe just stick to the games or the carousel perhaps? I’m sure your sense of fearlessness in other things far outweigh the ability to ride on rollercoasters once a year. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

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  2. My first thought on reading this was how dare he shut down wanting to share your holiday dreams, yet you are willing to tackle a phobia to be part of his work day. Funny how we make assumptions based on snippets in a blog, so I’ll shut up and hope you made it through the day okay (I hate bloody rides and they scare me so I take my hat off to you).

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