I had to think about the last baby shower I attended.
There was one at work, but it was more of a lunch where I brought balloons and handmade onesie cookies. There was no big show, no games.
The last one before that, well, I can’t really be sure to be honest. I know I’ve sent baby gifts, and I know I attended quite a few christenings, but it’s been years since the last real shower.
I remember a time when I couldn’t make it more than twenty minutes or so without excusing myself outside or to the restroom. When every small outfit held up for admiration caused a quivering lip. When even the invitation caused tears.
Tonight, I sat with a beautiful, funny, talented group of women. I may have had a couple of moments where I wavered and wanted to run, but for the most part, I felt included. I wasn’t the only one without kids and no one asked me if I had any or when I was going to. Nobody made me feel like the childless barren one. I tried not to get stuck in my own negative loop either. I met some new faces, saw some familiar ones and tasted some wonderful dishes courtesy of these awesome ladies (who happen to be food bloggers).
I sniffed a little on the way home, and I was sad for a moment over the shower I never had, the babies who never made their appearance, the bump that never popped. I thought about the nursery that never was, and the family I just couldn’t make happen no matter how hard I tried.
My pregnancies were lost. My infertility treatments were a bust. My adoption failed. My heart broke.
My heart has started to recover.
Life didn’t end. Life goes on. Progress is made.