My sister texted me a photo of her ultrasound picture shortly after I returned from NY this week. It was difficult to be there and be around all the baby centered conversations. Talk of names, nursery planning, showers, maternity clothes and so on.

I felt proud that I didn’t get upset at any of these conversations. Even though my stomach hurt and my heart ached, I smiled and tried to be a good sport. It was only after I got home, in the privacy and safety of my own kitchen, I broke down and cried. I haven’t figured out how to manage all the feelings that come with the progression of her pregnancy.

I want everything to go well, I want her to have an uneventful pregnancy, a pleasant delivery, a healthy baby. I really do. I just don’t know how to let go of the “what if”; how to stop wondering what might have been.