Love is overwhelming. It is both what tethers me and what causes me to ascend. I feel lost. I have too many places I call home. Where my loved ones are is home. I was raised there, I have memories there, the number of people who care for me there is astounding. I have a home here, one I have created with this man. And even still, I have a home beside him, for I’ll be wherever he is.

I wish these places could coincide. I dream of spending Christmas morning with my love, and my parents and siblings. I feel the opportunity to do so is quickly slipping away. With my sister expecting, I can only guess to how traditions will change. The arrival of the first grandchild will mean new schedules and possibly, no more breakfast celebration. My father’s health is still questionable, so I don’t know how many more years he has. As I’ve learned in the last year, with the loss of two close family members, you never know how long you’ll have.

D can never travel at the holidays, due to work restrictions. The cost of tickets is another concern, the main reason I’m not traveling this year. I think a Christmas with my family would be a bit much for him, also. He is still adjusting to my family. The loudness, the affection, the teasing, the noise. I saw that on our trip this fall, how uncomfortable they make him.

I would send back all my presents, and not ask for anything else, if I could just have this one thing.

Maybe next year.