Back a few weeks ago, in the middle of another insomnia fueled fugue, I wrote out this letter to my sister, several pages on the legal pad. About our relationship, and the one I want with her child, and some explanations for why I am the way I am. Just a rush of feelings to paper, I cried on the page, desperate to convey all the things I’m feeling right now.

Next month, I’m heading home to throw her a baby shower, and I’m debating sharing it with her. I suppose the fall out is that we talk less, but the reality is, with a new baby, I won’t hear from her much anyway. I could be optimistic, and think that perhaps this would finally be the thing to change our relationship for the better. I wish I knew for sure what I wanted to do, how it would be received.