My dad and his mom were pretty much wrecks Christmas day. I felt bad that they were both in so much pain and so uncomfortable. We all know what that’s like and it’s no fun to be recuperating from surgery during the holidays.
We took the holidays hard. As he put it – Christmas was awful because the one gift we really wanted, we didn’t have. Both of us couldn’t seem to forget that Christmas meant the beginning of the third trimester. That it was supposed to be the big celebratory announcement with the extended families. That we wanted to write “from Us and baby” on our Christmas cards.
New Years was okay, we went to a friend’s house and celebrated with her, her husband and her three kids. I promised myself I wouldn’t do it. I wasn’t going to hope that 2006 was “our year”. I wasn’t going to hope that it would be the year we’d finally have a baby. That’s too hard. I’ve done it now for too many years. It’s too hard each new year’s eve to admit that another year is gone and the dream of having a family is further and further from reality.
However, I did hope that 2006 is the year that so many of the people we know still struggling succeed.
I’ve been debating staying here lately. I don’t feel I have much to offer the world. I certainly do feel inferior lately, and I’m not doing anything for anyone to be interested in. I’m in a weird place, with everything in our life it seems. I’m trying to sort things out but it isn’t easy. I’m depressed and worried a lot of the time about a lot of things. I’m trying my hardest to get through everything, but some days it really gets to me.
I’m trying to catch up on your blogs. It’s been hard for me to read some of them, for my own petty reasons. To those of you who’s cycles have stalled or failed – I’m so sorry. For those of you in limbo, like I am – hang in there. To those of you who have been blessed – I wish you nothing but the best – You are the proof that some people do come out the other side. Thank you.