Like a bruise changing color, this is transforming and getting uglier.
I think about when I started blogging and it was a blog about getting married, then trying to conceive. Then an infertility blog, then cancer, marital issues, moving, now what? Divorce? (Am I even ready to use that word?) Separation?
I know he can’t give me permission to go, or absolve me of the guilt I feel about leaving. I know it’s hard to get him to even talk about this in general. Our progress is marked by the fact that he finally said something negative about me. I’m a bitch. I will add this to the one time he (kind of) called me heartless.
I am thinking about where I should be. With him or not? Here? Back home? Somewhere completely new? Whenever I think I make up my mind, he influences me and I second guess myself.
A conversation with him is something that takes getting used to and there are times I wonder if I really ever did so. I cannot look into his face and eyes and see what he’s feeling. He cannot see my tears as I tell him things I never wanted to say. There’s so much lost in body language and looks that I try to express with tone and inflection, but I know I fail. I want him to know that while it isn’t the same pain, it is difficult for me to leave.
Even if I give in and give up and stay now, things will never be the same. Do I have faith or hope that they would get better? Honestly? No. If I had that faith, I wouldn’t have brought up leaving in the first place. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m unhappy, or leaving, or… even me.
(Wow, I feel like I must sound like a soap opera, or some crappy therapist’s nightmare. Thanks though, it helps to vent)