ugly

Like a bruise changing color, this is transforming and getting uglier.

I think about when I started blogging and it was a blog about getting married, then trying to conceive. Then an infertility blog, then cancer, marital issues, moving, now what? Divorce? (Am I even ready to use that word?) Separation?

I know he can’t give me permission to go, or absolve me of the guilt I feel about leaving. I know it’s hard to get him to even talk about this in general. Our progress is marked by the fact that he finally said something negative about me. I’m a bitch. I will add this to the one time he (kind of) called me heartless.

I am thinking about where I should be. With him or not? Here? Back home? Somewhere completely new? Whenever I think I make up my mind, he influences me and I second guess myself.

A conversation with him is something that takes getting used to and there are times I wonder if I really ever did so. I cannot look into his face and eyes and see what he’s feeling. He cannot see my tears as I tell him things I never wanted to say. There’s so much lost in body language and looks that I try to express with tone and inflection, but I know I fail. I want him to know that while it isn’t the same pain, it is difficult for me to leave.

Even if I give in and give up and stay now, things will never be the same. Do I have faith or hope that they would get better? Honestly? No. If I had that faith, I wouldn’t have brought up leaving in the first place. He doesn’t seem to understand why I’m unhappy, or leaving, or… even me.

(Wow, I feel like I must sound like a soap opera, or some crappy therapist’s nightmare. Thanks though, it helps to vent)

2 thoughts on “ugly

  1. You have a difficult and painful road ahead. And although your experiences will be unique to you and your situation, the road is very well travelled. There will come a time when it will be as hard as it’s going to get. And then it will be over. And it will start to feel better. And along the way you will feel alone, but there are lots of people with you and available should you reach out.

    Like

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