Last night, I did not want to take my husband to his little “event”. I did. I ran a few errands. I picked husband up, and despite giving a slight elbow into his ribs, we ended up at dinner with other participants. I was not friendly, I didn’t feel the need to be.
Side note: Having some issues as my body “rights” itself hormonally. This does not help.
I feel the change in the atmosphere when I want to be bad. I smiled at too many men in Target last night. I’m not the overt type. I’m subtle. Most men don’t even notice me, I’m overweight and not typically attractive. I’m not out with twice the makeup and half the outfit. I don’t hit on men, I make playful conversation. I may be wearing slutty panties, but they’re hidden under conservative clothes. I don’t wear a wedding ring though (I forget repeatedly to have it sized) and I wonder if men notice.
I know I’m not a good wife. I know I most likely fall into the bad wife category. Sometimes, it’s hard to think about that. Sometimes, I just don’t care. While I know there’s a lot at play, the rejection from my husband over the years wears at me. Even if things magically improved, the damage is done. I need to be wanted and desired, even if at a distance. Even if for only a brief moment.