surprises and disappointments

It was nice to see my father so surprised. All his family around and plenty of people he’s worked or volunteered with there to applaud his hard work. He didn’t know about this lifetime achievement award, he had no idea his family was coming to dinner, and no clue I was in town. I was glad we pulled it off.

I was disappointed by the trip though, in some ways.

The more time away, the harder it is to go home. The visits aren’t awkward, but stressful, trying to pack everything in. I find myself bothered by my family’s bad habits, housekeeping and such. I don’t want to do some of the things they want me to do and want to do other things they aren’t up for.

I spent the weekend running around, errands and doctors appointments accompanied my quality time.  I try to be patient, realizing their lives can’t stop just because I’m in town. Still, I want more out of my time with them than I’m getting.

I wish they would come here to visit, though I’m sure that’s not happening anytime soon. I would like to perhaps go home more often so that these trips aren’t so chaotic. Or, that the chaos is just normal, because I’m used to it.

We want people to stay the same, and change, but both in positive ways. When their lives seem stagnant and somehow even more crazy than I remember, I try to ask myself is it they who have changed, or me? Am I just less tolerant of the enabling, the narcissism, the negativity?

I can’t fix them, and I know I have a tendency to want to. I can no longer be surprised by their actions and behaviors, I just wish I weren’t so disappointed.

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