you survive

Sometimes I think about all the things in life I’ve gotten through and wonder how I did it. It’s no bragging, it’s more like sheer wonder at the fact that you were able to exist past that moment. March 26th was one of those days. Another shoulda been due date, if only the IVF had worked. It was a day for family, my sister’s birthday. There were jokes about her as a soon to be wife and someday mother. Comments about her future children. It’s funny, my parents make no comments about mine anymore.

The situation with them is odd. They know, but they don’t. If they make a comment about when I have kids, I deflect it or roll my eyes or change the subject.

I worked a RESOLVE event this weekend. My mother said, “well, I know you don’t know whether or not you’ll have children for sure, but you should just tell people at RESOLVE that while parenthood is a great source of joy it’s also a great source of sorrow”. She’s not sure she’d have done it all the same if she could go back in time.

O – Kay.

Well, regardless of the fact that it’s an insult to me as one of her children, that bothered me. It’s like a billionaire saying he’d rather go back and be poor (knowing no one will be taking him back in time). I think it’s easy to say that when your kids are driving you crazy, but I can’t believe too many parents really mean it. I don’t know where I’m going with that, but I needed to share.

Anyway. Survival is one of the strongest instincts a person has. I find it ironic that maternal instincts can be just as strong. I never thought I would live my life just surviving through events.

I just want to make it to a point where I do more than just exist, more than just survive.

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